Wednesday, October 1, 2014

I'm Too Old For...

Creaky joints, no energy, exercise is a chore, and feeding myself is a pain in the neck.  Basically, my life makes me feel like an old lady.  Or, you know, this guy.
There are days when I complain of my old lady issues.  I hear myself saying things like: I can feel that storm a-coming. As if I can sense it in my bones or like my rheumatism is kicking in. And I haven't even hit forty yet. 

Pathetic, right?

The truth is my life is stretched between two worlds. In the pays-the-mortgage world, I chase after kindergartners every day and remind them not to leave the bathroom door open because no one wants to see their naked bodies. (I have actually used that line so many times that I've lost count.) In my writerly world, I have sole control of the remote, laptop, and iPad for research purposes. Sometimes I'm too darn worn out to care about anything else. There are many things that at one point in my life I may have considered doing, but these days I'm accepting that it just ain't happening. Probably ever.
10 Things I Will Never Do:
  1. Skydiving. Really? You get it wrong once and...
  2. Climbing Mt. Everest or basically anything tall and/or cold. Having no access to my jammies, blankies,  and my Vicks Vapo Rub anytime after 5 p.m. is a deal breaker.
  3. Learn a foreign language. Yeah, been there, done that. No quiero. 
  4. Watch Dumb and Dumber, Dumb and Dumberer, or Dumb and Dumber To. I can actually hear myself getting stupider.
  5. Redecorate. Who has the energy? Aren't doilies and pastel pink ruffled throw pillows always in style?
  6. Go on a reality TV show. If the options are being a bachelorette, making pretentious cupcakes, or being roommates with someone as emotionally developed as a five-year-old, I'll pass.
  7. Wear skinny jeans and/or leggings as pants. Just NO. (Leather/pleather pants are also verboten.)
  8. Ride a scooter/moped. Really? They sound like a weedwacker. Is that supposed to make it more or less butch?
  9. Stay up/out all night. It turns out sleep is basically more important than anything else.
  10. Participate in any female wrestling opportunities. Mud or no, fully clothed or not, it's just not me. And ew.
It's a relief to admit that there are some things I'm not game for anymore, even though there are plenty of things I love doing. For Instance, I'm a huge fan of playgrounds, rollerskates, and spending my days with people who appreciate potty humor. And if you ever need someone to help you consume an entire package of bacon, I'm your girl.

Anyone else have a Never Gonna Happen Bucket List? I'd love to hear about it. Leave me a comment!

11 comments:

  1. You are SO funny. Cannot imagine you would EVER mention [let alone CONSIDER] any of the stuff you listed.
    And got news for you, Girl, I'm almost twice as old as you and I'm not complaining about "old Person Issues". When I do, you can!!!
    Love you, Sarie!!

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    1. Wouldn't that be nice? The little people do wear me out. Keeping up with 24 people who are tiny and full of energy is pretty draining. And pretty funny.

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    2. Was thinking today: When I was your age, we were expecting your youngest brother. Any "tiredness issues" I attributed to my pregnant condition, or possibly having 5 kids and being Primary president. Didn't ever think it might be due to my age. I mean, you keep going as long as you keep going . . . right? My hat's off to the Kindergarten Queen: I didn't ever have 24 of the same age at the same time!!!

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  2. Hilarious, I love it! Can't imagine chasing kindergartners for more than five minutes, I take off my hat, lady x

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    1. Thanks, Claudia! I love working with them. They're completely hilarious. But they wear me out. So much energy, such tiny bodies.

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  3. "...sleep is basically more important than anything else."

    No argument from me. :)

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    1. Exactly! 😍 All those naps I didn't take when I was young? I wish I could get them back!!!

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  4. I used to do the staying up all night thing, but you need to be either very newly in love, or under the influence of certain substances to do so, and as I have been married for 5 years and just say no to the rest of it these days, it's unlikely I will do so again! Husband stays up all night playing on XBox, but then he is 49 going on 14. I do wear leggings as trousers (pants, haaa!), but only with a long top!! As for films like Dumb and Dumber - no thanks!!! Climbing - too scary, but I'd love to. Sky diving ditto.

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    1. Thanks, Terry! I'm proud of the fact that I've reached a point where I can look at amazing things others do and recognize how stupid they are. I mean really, who needs to eat things made out of insects or fall from a tall height? Not me. I just need my jammies, Netflix, and a cozy blankie.

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  5. Well, that was worth waiting for - got here in the end lol
    A very amusing read - made me smile, and therefore, made my day :)

    Take care, Kimmie x

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    1. Thanks, Kimmie! I'm always inspired by you. If I can make you smile every now and then, I feel successful. :)

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